Soapwatch with JACI STEPHEN: Wheel me to the church on time!

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EMMERDALE 

Will it be third time lucky down the aisle for Rhona and Marlon in Emmerdale? Between them, they’ve clocked up six ex-spouses

Will it be third time lucky down the aisle for Rhona and Marlon in Emmerdale? Between them, they’ve clocked up six ex-spouses

Will it be third time lucky for Rhona as she prepares to walk down the aisle with Marlon (right, with Rhona)? Let’s hope so. 

Between them, they’ve clocked up six ex-spouses, and two of Marlon’s are dead (Tricia, Donna), making him the owner of prime real estate in the cemetery. 

To say that Marlon drew the short straw when it came to love is an understatement – he barely got a single grain. Laurel soon became an alcoholic after becoming wife number three, and then Jessie, number four, cheated on him with her ex, Al. 

THE JOY OF SIX! 

Emmerdale’s Zoe Henry thought Rhona would be Marlon’s sixth wife, consoled by the knowledge that Henry VIII’s sixth wife survived. But Rhona’s the fifth. Catherine Howard – beheaded. 

Naturally, this being Soapland, the preparations for wedding number five don’t go according to plan when Marlon’s legs buckle at his stag do and he falls. In fairness, that happens to most people in Emmerdale, and they don’t need the excuse of a wedding. 

At the hospital, the doctor informs Marlon that due to his high blood pressure, he’ll have to stay in. The next day, the readings are still too high for him to be discharged; will he make it to the church on time? 

In a wheelchair dash of Grand Prix momentum, Paddy gets him to the church, vows are exchanged, and everyone raises their glasses to the happy couple. 

The wedding party is a breakthrough for Priya who whips off her jacket and confidently dances, for the first time unafraid of revealing her scars. Expect lots more buckling of legs, come midnight. 

It’s a strange week for Laurel and Gabby, who find themselves dating the same man. To Laurel, he’s Kit; to Gabby, he’s Chris, who she’s met through online dating. 

When Laurel suggests a double date with their beaus, what could go wrong? Back at Home Farm, Gabby leads Kit/Chris upstairs and as she begins to passionately kiss him, Laurel arrives. Time to hit the bottle again, Laurel? 

CORONATION STREET

In Coronation Street, when Spider is released after an arrest, Toyah is there with a kiss, which leads to the bedroom

In Coronation Street, when Spider is released after an arrest, Toyah is there with a kiss, which leads to the bedroom

When anyone turns up from the past, they are invariably harbouring a secret. Lovely as it is to see Spider back, he has ‘dodgy’ all but tattooed on his forehead. 

Toyah’s caught in Spider’s web 

Corrie’s Georgia Taylor doesn’t think Toyah should be leaping into bed with Spider (yer don’t say). ‘I’d like to see that friendship nurtured,’ she says. ‘Because as a friendship, it’s really sweet. But in the moment, she’s not thinking straight; she’s lonely and he’s there for her.’ 

As for the trial, does she think Toyah is guilty of Imran’s murder? ‘It’s a very grey area and her guilt is huge; whether she’s guilty of murder or not, she was at the wheel of that car.’ Lock ’er up, I say. 

But Toyah couldn’t recognise a murky history if she was drowning in it – which she always is. When Spider is released after an arrest, Toyah is there with a kiss, which leads to the bedroom. 

That didn’t take her long, did it? The embalming fluid was barely dry on Imran before she offered Spider accommodation; now she’s up the stairs quicker than… well, a spider up a drainpipe. 

But what’s Spider really up to, and who is on the other end of his mobile when he says he can’t wait to get back? Something tells me it’s not the station sergeant. 

It’s Sinister Cellphone Week in Weatherfield. When Stephen’s credit card is rejected, he calls his Italian bank (oh, let’s hear him speak the lingo for once in his alleged Italian life!), then uses a card in the name of… Mrs Gabrielle Reid. 

Told you he was up to something. Or maybe Gabrielle is having an illicit affair with Spider, who’s plotting to return to Italy!

EASTENDERS: RANVEER’S INDECENT PROPOSAL FOR SUKI

How is Suki so popular with both sexes? Honey managed to see a nice side to her (how? Radar vision?), and for some inexplicable reason she attracted the avid attentions of Eve. 

Now Ranveer’s on the scene, telling her that they can close their business deal if Suki sleeps with him. 

Ranveer is on the scene in EastEnders, telling Suki that they can close their business deal if she sleeps with him

Ranveer is on the scene in EastEnders, telling Suki that they can close their business deal if she sleeps with him

Come on: the woman is a monstrous mother who engineered her innocent son being banged up, resulting in his death; she blows hot and cold with women as she struggles to hide her inner lesbian; she left Ben for dead following his overdose; now she’s trying to manipulate Sharon into lending her money. 

She’s a rotten shopkeeper, too. Has she sold more than a dozen things since Christmas?

She’s very good at standing up for herself though, and when she forces Ranveer to sign a contract in return for said sex, a fight ensues and she whacks him over the head. 

Remember she once slapped Honey, so methinks there’s a pattern emerging. Ranveer, however, deserved it, so maybe brute force could be seen as Suki’s one redeeming feature. What will happen when Ravi arrives and finds his dad’s lifeless body? 

At least Ben is OK, albeit in hospital. Alas, there are no bed baths on camera. 

Dev

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